Friday, October 2, 2015

The Peregrination Has Concluded

I suppose that is what I have always been doing... imagining a place I can go to escape this reality. Defined by such meaningless interaction, I wanted desperately to find a way out of it. And then, there it was... such a simple sign of hope.

I had no plan... not even an idea of where I was heading. No intentions of realizing an end to this journey. All I yearned for was a destiny...just a purpose to my name. My ambition took ahold of me. It caused me to leave the world I once called home. The comfort and security that once had me trapped. From that, I was set free. But eventually my journey changed and became less about my own purpose and more about wrapping my head around these new circumstances. I was humbled by scale...

We humans perceive ourselves with such dominance over this earth. Such things make me seem so insignificant. Out here, time is irrelevant. I can finally live in the present. Everything in nature I saw would never be that way again. It is always changing. Each moment is as unique as the next. It made me think that we should be as intentional as nature itself. In all those revelations, my old self faded away. The end of myself began.

Along the way you begin to forget people. Your memory of them grows silent. The pain, the depression, the anxiety... that is what I remember.

This entire journey I stood in the light. At times, I think I was so vulnerable and exposed. But honestly, it is in the darkest and most isolated places that I am haunted the most. I would never have wandered off into the darkness. But then, how did I end up in this place? I felt like there was nothing for me here. So barren...yet, so strangely familiar. What I had brought along with me for simple reassurance, carried me all the way to the end. But this end, was just the beginning.

I had never seen nor experienced anything like this. It transcended all the brokenness. I could actually see it. This was real. It was here with me. I would have never imagined such a creation... and yet, there it stood before me. But whatever was at work here, it was not finished.

I needed to understand it... to make sense of it. I studied and I searched. But I simply could not get around it. I had more questions than answers. I was burdened by every growing detail. I could not deny it when I did not understand... when I could not find an answer. I had to ask myself, was this the end of the road?

All it took was a step of faith. I expected such complexity. Simply a reason for my existence. Even if I did not find what I was expecting, I knew then what I should have been looking for all along. The entire time I was in denial of the truth... and in some way, we all are. The human connection that we all share is not based upon something that we can comprehend nor understand... but we need it. I need it. There are all these things that I replaced it with, out of my own selfish ways. They all ultimately meant nothing.

That is why I had to come back. I had to share this.
It was you. It was you this whole time.

Sunday, March 1, 2015



Life used to be simpler...or so it seems. One simply went down a certain path and chose one of a handful of possible careers. Now there are seemingly a million different choices, paths, and careers. We all know people whose lives went impressively right and we are all too aware of those who have crashed and failed miserably. So what if it does not go right for you? What happens?

Our world is a winner takes all society. But not everyone can win, by design. In other words, those who do not win, are considered losers or failures. But that person is somebody who has lost a game according to societal rules that they have been thrust into and accepted. Above all, the essence of every human being is a yearning for understanding and acceptance. But that seems to be a very scarce commodity nowadays. Instead, we are met with judgement or typecasting.

I believe that we, as human beings, are the sum of all of our experiences. However, I do not believe our chosen career or profession defines us. I'm not certain when this became an integral part of our society; the merging of our identities and our profession. I honestly find this to be absurd and feel that I am in the minority. It seems that society, and Americans in general, feel that they cannot truly understand you without understanding what your occupation is. I cannot and do not ascribe to this belief. It becomes all too easy to pigeonhole someone based on how they choose to earn a living. While society at large finds this aforementioned practice interwoven and deeply embedded in our social etiquette, it is fundamentally flawed.

I would argue that a majority of people are not in professions that they truly wish they were in. Some, like a number of my friends, still do not know what the right job would be. While conversely, I would argue that others know what the right occupation would be...but simply cannot get there. So the notion of defining someone by what is on their resume or business card is blatantly fallacious. In my case, there is a vast chasm between what my occupational title is and who I truly am. I have found that time and time again, people are unable to reconcile my dichotomy... and it is ultimately their loss.

Thursday, February 26, 2015


There were so many moments when I feared I would die, not being truly known.
There were too many moments... forever forsaken in my m├ętier.

There are so many facets that I have suppressed, denied and consigned to oblivion.
There are too many moments where I have cut off my nose to spite my face.

I have had my fun and played my roles...
So much conducted by path and no longer by ingenuity.

Never pausing long enough to see to whom this blind ambition belonged.
Never authorized to stop and perceive to whom this omission belonged.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015


A man does not die from asystole.
A man dies when the air that once filled his lungs
becomes the same that comes out of his mouth.

“Perhaps, if you weren’t so busy regarding my shortcomings, you’d find that I do possess redeeming qualities, discreet as they may be. I notice when the sky is blue. I smile down at children. I laugh at any innocent attempt at humor. I quietly carry the burdens of others as though they were my own. And I say ‘I’m sorry’ when you don’t. I am not without fault, but I am not without goodness either.” -Richelle E. Goodrich

Sunday, February 15, 2015

The Fool

Cherchez la femme
The Fool

With time, distances between celestial objects increase because the universe stretches and continues to expand exponentially. In essence, it means that the universe has a specific plan...even if we do not realize it.

In a way, we are all indispensable pieces that operate this machine of high-precision that our world is. There is no fate. It is sad to say, but it has all been written...planned well in advance. We are only accomplishing our task, so that the universe can continue existing and growing.

Free will is an illusion. Having the feeling that you make a decision when you put one foot in front of the other, gives us that satisfying feeling that we have control over our lives. However, life is like a horse that you simply cannot tame.

It would only require one cog to turn away from its role for this well-oiled machine to loose control and cause its entire destruction. And for the moment, I have its destiny in my hands.

In the end, happiness, misfortune, wealth, and poverty are all insignificant and have no importance. What makes the substance of an existence is not what we live, but the way we picture our life.

Thursday, February 12, 2015


Escape is always offered as a kind of fantasy, divorced from this world... whether it's Disneyland, religion, or one's own idea of happiness. I have had my own moment of truth: I also want to be free and happy. But I am unable to detach myself, so I run... fueled by my two competing desires:  to escape this world I have been carrying on my shoulders and to be worthy of this world.

It is here that we obtain a deeper understanding. The world is not simply some romantic postcard notion of life. It is difficult and sad. Infused by death. It requires something from us. It is the context of death that provides value to these fleeting moments. But the world is also full of everyday moments that mean something. Moments that connect us to one another. Moments that we will remember forever. Moments that might very well mean the world.