Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Why bother?

Though Shalt Not Vex A Stranger
Thou shalt not vex a stranger
I am beginning to ask myself this question more and more as time goes one. Why do I bother? If the net result is that no one else cares, why should I? Is it because I am genuinely a nice guy (contrary to popular belief)? Is it because I care for others more than I care about myself? Is it because I often put the thoughts, hopes, dreams, desires, wants, and needs of certain others before my own? Or is it simply some sort of warped, perhaps sadistic and masochistic behavior, which perpetually puts others before myself at great detriment to my well-being? I am doubtful that it is any form of 'S&M' behavior per se, as I do not derive any pleasure or gratification from this or by hurting myself... but I am still left to ponder, why do I continue to be loyal to a fault? Further to that point, at what end will I continue to allow others to take advantage of that indisputable loyalty.

While I will not specifically cite people, times, or places here (partly because I am bound to confidentiality in some cases and in others I am certain those people would not their names/actions stipulated here), I lay awake at night trying to ascertain an answer. I know that people generally have a misconception of me, my personality, my good-nature, and my life. This is not based upon faulty thinking on their part; but rather, it is due in part by their lack of accurate unbiased information and their lack of presence or involvement in various instances/events... from which, they have formed opinions and judgements about me, my actions, and events/things that have happened to me. While I am happy and willing to correct, clarify, and enlighten people regarding things due to erroneous information, I have found that most are unwilling to listen or hear me out and tend to stick by their initial 'gut' reaction; which is generally, and unfortunately, based upon misinformation which leads to the misunderstanding or misapprehension... it saddens and hurts me greatly. It weighs heavily on my heart.

I wish that others would recognize the good that I do, not because I want credit, accolades, or notoriety... I do not deserve nor want those things. I have made mistakes. I accept that. I have righted my wrongs. I do not seek praise...only acceptance and understanding. I continue to search for warmth and compassion. I'm afraid that it will come at a price that is too high to pay; or will perhaps arrive too late...when it matters little, if at all. This sorrow continues to weigh heavily on my heart.

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