Saturday, April 27, 2013

I'm Not Phased

A Universal Truth
I had once believed this...but wonder if it is actually true.
Should I be concerned? At what point does a person finally give-up on an exercise that s/he now deems futile? I recognize that my prior post titled "Why Bother?" may have a parallel theme as this one... but should I really be surprised and expect something or someone to change when they haven't after repeated pleas and requests? Perhaps I do not merit or deserve the change(s) I have asked for... Perhaps I am being unrealistic. Perhaps my expectations are far greater than what I am worth. Perhaps I do not deserve any better. A year, or even six months ago, I would have reacted differently. I would have been upset. I would have felt anxiety, depression, sadness, and exasperation... but now? It doesn't even phase me. I have come to accept, and to a lesser extent expect, these acts of rejection and subversion.

What concerns me now, however, regards a fundamental change in my behavior. As the post title says, I'm not phased. Does that mean that I simply do not care now? Does it mean that I have settled for a situation and behaviors that seemingly make me unhappy? These are unanswered questions that I have... and I suppose I may subconsciously know the answers but choose to ignore them. Perhaps I have simply become conditioned to these circumstances; to be hidden, rejected, and isolated. At least my conscience is clear. After all, I am not the one telling the lies.

1 comment:

  1. These are a few of the horribly sad and very undeserved emotions that adult human life has to offer...stay with instinct and prayer. You are just beginning the "becoming" project. I am here and I will help you get out of your helmet of crappy thinking xo...